If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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