you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
