and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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