I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
