so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Moan for me like Helen Keller
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
