ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
