tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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