Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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