I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
