I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
