I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
