ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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