maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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