I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
