It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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