oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
