He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
