Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
