I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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