My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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