Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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