Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
a search helicopter?!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
