The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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