$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You have to summon your inner elephant
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
