OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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