Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
