ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
