my sisters under your porch take her home
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
