why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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