Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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