the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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