I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
