Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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