My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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