porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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