elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
sarcasm needs its own font
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
