The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
