I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
