just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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