I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
