Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Couch. On fire.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
