as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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