you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
