and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
