We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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