i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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