Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
