i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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