Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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