I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
that is very illegal...i love you.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
